Real Estate of Mind

Different tokes for all you folks!

Hey, let’s face it… like the song says…We’re Forever Blowing Bubbles! You might as well be the first one on your block to own your very own Asset Bubble Pipe before someone else gets a whiff and takes a crack at it!  If there’s lemonade to be made out of all that bitter fruit lying around, it might as well be you getting high on the next big hit!

There’s always another bubble waiting in the pipeline when it comes to other people’s money.  Carpe Dinero! Grab it!  Put it in your pipe and smoke it!  Let low interest rates fire up your imagination!  One man’s toxic asset is always another man’s treasure and greatest source of pleasure!

Here’s the best part!  You can blow it all up but you can’t really blow it away. Why?  Because there’s always more OPM and another new asset class to smoke. That’s the beauty of forever blowing bubbles with the Amazing Asset Bubble Pipe. You might not go long but you also can’t go wrong.

A free recording of  Forever Blowing Bubbles by the beloved Cockney Rejects comes with every purchase.

New! Straight off the torture rack!  Show and sell foreclosed homes like your life depended on it!

In the Middle Ages,  Beak Doctors roamed the squalid streets of infested cities visiting the homes of untold millions of unfortunates severely impacted by the bubonic plague. The shadow inventory of death was truly remarkable back in those days! Almost a third of humanity was underwater.  Despite dark ages and depressing times,  nattily-attired physicians found a way to continue to care and yet always remain in style.

Sound familiar?   We thought so!  As an ode to the classic look of the ubiquitous Beak Doctor, we are proud to bring you our new designer rendition featuring the famous fashion that outlasted the pandemic plague more than five centuries ago!  Our all-weather, all-purpose, all-terrain suit is just what the doctor ordered for all you caring real estate agents worried about survival every time you go out of the house and into one of those “other” houses.  The Armani Suit is living proof that there is a big difference between the haz’ and the haz-nots.  It will protect you from the spreading effects of economic fallout while it also projects your status as a well-dressed professional.

You too can wander the nearly empty streets and the surrounding sprawl of urban ghost towns in safety and comfort with your Armani Hazmat Suit. No more worries about toxic mold spores sprouting up in all those toxic assets. No more holding your breath in fear of  errant strains of Hantavirus emanating from the spoils left behind.  No more nagging concerns about ingesting lead paint or  sheet rock particles floating around in an environmentally-noxious stew of household harm. .Our new Designer Duds  even come with  special tinted visors to shield your eyes from harmful exposure to too many atrocious paint colors left behind on the walls of those bargain basement bank-owned buys.

Its never too late to dress for success while you address for distress.  Special short sale discounts are now available on all our close out inventory. Inquire within.

Know the Realtor who has everything? Special occasion coming up and you don’t have a clue what to get him? Relax. Here’s a list of real products I am unveiling as part of the comprehensive WHOLE REAL ESTATE CATALOGUE. I’ve been working on it in my spare time. It’s the definitive one-stop shop for everything and anything real estate. Yes, the web site is coming. The promotional book tour starts next spring. This is just a sneak preview of some of the special products that no aspiring real estate aficionado should try to buy or sell homes without.

Got a hard to sell home that’s literally driving you crazy? A million dollar view of the Monterey Bay drowned out by a sea of cars whizzing by on a busy freeway? Noise so loud its impossible to concentrate on all that beauty right in front of your eyes?

Relax. You simply need the right tool for the right job. You need a device that’s been tried and tested by generations of people, young and old, who have fallen in love with the soothing sounds of the ocean over and over again.

We’re talking about the all-natural, 100% effective Shell Phone. No messy batteries. No electrical connection required. Bring Shell Phone to your next open house. Whenever a loudmouth buyer complains about the dull roar of the highway ruining his view – just hold your magic Shell Phone up to his ear and dial in the emotion of the ocean. Guaranteed to transform the cacophony of even the worst rush hour traffic into a mindful meditation on the waves of bliss.

Armed with your trusty Shell Phone, the surf is always up. And your sales volume will be too. We sell seashells by the seashore so that you don’t have to! Remember, life’s a beach and then you buy. So don’t delay. Order now and get a free subliminal sales tape with every purchase.

Forget Buyer’s Remorse! Did you know that Carpal Tunnel Syndrome is one of the leading maladies affecting first time home buyers?   Post-escrow disability claims have reached an all-time high!

Agents, you’ve seen it a thousand times.  Fresh-faced clients sitting down to sign away with the best of intentions.  Promising to read it all, understand it all and do the right thing while trying to do the write thing and put their signatures on page after page of  dizzying disclosures and endless cover your ass documents straight out of the Office of Cosmic Redundancy.  Sometimes it seems like, before  you can even strap a Dixie Cup onto their chins to catch the drool, they’ve already lapsed into a vegetative state of comatose compliance and injured themselves in their rabid desire to do anything necessary in order to be done.

Why wait to buy your clients a house-warming present after they move into their new house. Give the gift that keeps on giving … before-hand. This specially-adapted, ergonomically-enhanced, “Escrow Glove”  was developed from the tried and true principles of the bowling glove.  Our Real Estate Doctors understood that anything designed to protect the fragile human hand and wrist assembly while tossing a sixteen pound ball down a long, slippery alleyway was well-suited to protect against the rigors of  the kind rote signing that John Hancock never could have imagined.  (They also did not want anyone else’s signature ending up as bad as their own.)   Try the ESCROW GLOVE.  It’s perfect protection for life in the fast lane of escrow sign-offs.

Free box of funny-face Dixie Cups with every purchase!

Where’s the bubble when you need it?  It’s right here in front of your mouth!  If you are having trouble adjusting to the new market paradigm bursting onto the scene then do what the big hitters do:  Chew on This!  Spit-shine your attitude and your image with Real Bubble!  Re-inflate your hopes with a little bit of hot air! Pump up your ego with some positive jaw-boning!  Guaranteed to stimulate and simulate the sweet smell of success and banish any lingering bitter after-taste you still might be feeling. If you didn’t blow it then.. You can blow it now!  Everyday in every way!   Each piece comes with five free Realtor cards.  Collect them. Trade them with your friends. Remember to save those valuable rookie cards…they are going to be worth a lot of money someday!

Brokers,  you’ll have a ball installing a Real Bubble Machine in your office. Generate extra income from all those walk-in clients looking for their next bubble.  If you’ve been searching for a way to motivate your in-house Agents, here’s the ticket.  A bubble a day keeps the blues away..  Your property posse will soon be chomping at the bit and riding a pure sugar high as they blow up the market once again.

Who needs one of those passé personalized license plates? Try our new anatomically correct dorsal shark fin. Easily connects to the top of any late model Mercedes, BMW or Lexus. Comes in small medium and large depending on your sales volume. Looks and acts like the real thing. No self-respecting land-shark should farm a neighborhood without one. Instant respect and recognition guaranteed.

For a limited time only comes with a free Mr. T starter Jewelry set.

A must-have accessory for those incredibly boring open houses where everyone is invited but hardly anyone shows up. This comfortable, ergonomically correct pillow is easy to inflate with hot air, provides plenty of upper lumber support and looks so much like a real laptop computer you can easily fool anyone that shows up unexpectedly into thinking you are actually hard at work scrutinizing the MLS listings. Who says if you snooze you lose? With our laptop pillow, you can snooze and schmooze with the best of them.

Employ the tried and true precepts of centuries’ old folk wisdom to locate those hard to find septic tanks buried under concrete driveways by forgetful homeowners. Special dowsing rods designed by yours truly. Field tested for more than 10 years. Lauded for astounding accuracy in pinpointing those precious bastions of hidden treasure. Guaranteed to make true-believers and deft dowsers out of anyone. Don’t flush another escrow down the drain. Learn to find the flow so that you can go with it.

Confused about which direction to take with those tricky little ethical dilemmas that keep popping up in your day-to-day travels? Not certain whether to fudge on that disclosure statement or tell a client what they want to hear rather than the truth? Undecided about a sin of omission or karma accrued by playing on the fears of first-time homebuyers? Order our handy pocket-sized moral compass now. Acts like an internal GPS system that tells you where your heart and conscience are on any given matter. No good Realtor should leave home or sell homes without one.