Remember to Take Your Crazy Pills

27 07 2010

Buckle up folks. Check the chin straps on your helmets too.  This is real estate. If you don’t keep taking your crazy pills you aren’t going to be able to keep up.

Real estate is all over the map these days – literally and figuratively. Terra firma here. And terra-a-lot-less-firma  there.  Or, as Groucho Marx said:  “You can get wood. You can get brick. You can get stucco. Boy, can you get stucco.”

Talk to an Agent who just closed a couple of escrows and the world is perfect. The market is back. Everything is coming up roses. Talk to another Agent short sale-ing his own upside-down beach house and the whole dream has suddenly been dragged under by the inexorable undertow of a rude awakening.  Just because we hype it, that doesn’t make it so.   We can kick the can down the road but we’re all still going to have to kick the bucket in one of the great reckonings that lies ahead. Maybe switching over to the Mayan Calendar isn’t such a bad idea after all.

Read about those local folks who thought they were getting an “amazing foreclosure deal” like the one’s late night infomercials have weaned us on and it  lends another perspective.  Amazing indeed. They ended up buying a worthless Wachovia 2nd  on the courthouse steps, putting in another $25,000 worth of worthless improvements, only to find out that parent company, Wells Fargo, was still holding the first.

Methinks the right hand knew exactly what the left hand was doing in this case.  The slight of the hands worked because they weren’t required by law to disclose the rules of the game to unwitting people.  Buyers beware and buyers be aware. A little due diligence is always worth your while.

But then, the great fix is in anyway, right?  The Financial Reform Bill was just signed into law as I write this, a mere 8 minutes ago. Once again, we’ve come to another intersection on the road to recovery or the other one leading to eternal damnation.  That mythical place on the flawed GPS System where Wall Street, Pennsylvania Avenue and Main Street are all supposed to meet in magical confluence.

Forgive me, if I’m not overly-optimistic. We’re already suffering the “new and unimproved” of HAMP, HAFA, HVCC,  HERA-MDIA and a whole hullabaloo of other H-ish acronyms. Lots of sound and fury signifying nothing but hassle. Business as usual made even harder than usual.  Sort of like rooting out the cancer by killing the patient.

Not that we should trust Alan Greenspan anymore – the man who knew too much who became the man who fell to earth by being the man who was the last to see it all coming, even when impending disaster was trick-or-treating through every neighborhood in America,  but… the former sage of finance cryptically says this about the new reform legislation: “There are unintended consequences in every page” of this 2,000 page bill.

And speaking of unintended consequences…how about our own little piece of pending local legislation relating to the regulation of rentals.  What happens if some unhinged landlord gets angry enough to set off a neutron bomb?  It would be easy to drive around town, log the addresses of hundreds of funky, illegal garage conversions and report them for code violations.

Forty years of growth by default rather than appropriate planning  – all coming home to roost in the over-crowded nests of small property owners who need that extra income to make their mortgage payments.  C’mon! Every Mayor and ex-Mayor living on the lower Westside has seen the extra units with the built-up bathroom floors to allow plumbing pipes to get to the sewer mains, electric feeds hanging precariously ten feet above ground waiting for unsuspecting kids to hit ‘em with sticks and gnarly carpet-seconds thrown over bare concrete slabs in the middle of an incredibly high water table?

But take heart.  Santa Cruz was just named one of the 25 best cities for the rich and the single by Money Magazine.  Apparently,  we are the place where “surf culture meets tech geek.”  We’re going on a scavenger hunt next Friday night, to look for some of those rich and single people hiding in our midst.  The winner will receive a free  Keep Santa Cruz Weirdly Rich and Single bumper sticker.

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The Rochambeau Game

10 07 2010

God Bless Real Estate. Neither rain, nor snow, nor heat of day, nor gloom of lead- based paint, electromagnetic frequencies, radon gas, agricultural spraying, underground storage tanks, black mold or any nearby methamphetamine labs that may be lurking , shall stay us Realtors from our appointed rounds.

Our sacred mission? That most basic of biological imperatives – survival. You know…saving humanity. And since we humans require such a significant amount of idiot-proofing to insulate us from our own strange natures, survival in this case also means: Saving Ourselves from Ourselves.

It’s a scary world out there. Ensuring the safety of mankind and the huge roof lying over its head is a difficult job. But someone’s gotta do it.

So here we are. Hard at work on the Herculean task of protecting everyone from everyone else and their cousins. And from everything and every other possible thing that anyone could conceivably conjure up in their wildest dreams and/or worst nightmares.

Someday we’ll actually have a complete compendium of all the what-if’s that could hurt, damage or otherwise disappoint people in their new homes. Of course, even when we pull that list together, we still aren’t going to guarantee that you won’t get hit by a bus while crossing the street or struck by lightning while watching Jeopardy during the next big storm. You’ll have to consult your local priest, shaman, bartender, attorney or other suitable expert for greater accuracy regarding those specific matters.

But we Realtors can do the next best thing. We can warn you. And warn you again. And then warn you some more. Until eventually you either get scared to death and run away screaming as fast as you can in the opposite direction from buying a home. Or…you proceed forward both forewarned and forearmed with the knowledge that something terrible could happen at any time. Big terrible. Or little terrible. Terrible-ridiculous. Or terrible-sublime. Or…you just become numb and numb-er to the whole process and succumb to the mindless tide of acquiescence that clouds the vision and makes the brain feel dumb and dumber.

In the great Rochambeau game of real estate we try to leave no stone unturned or rock uncovered by paper. Paper is the talisman we use to ward off the eventual consequences of all the potential evils that could happen to people living in glass houses. Paper is the most powerful device we can use to demonstrate our desire to save mankind and to actually save ourselves (me) from ourselves (you).

Think I’m kidding? Your honor, I want to draw your attention to Estate’s evidence C.A.R. Form SBSA Revised 4/07, Otherwise known as the Statewide Buyers and Sellers Advisory, Page 4 of 10, Item #18, which reads and I quote:

Errant Golf Balls: Buyer and Seller are advised that if the Property is located adjacent to or near a golf course there is a possibility that golf balls may damage the Property or injure persons or pets on it. Additionally persons playing golf may enter the Property to retrieve errant golf balls or for other purposes. Broker recommends that Buyer investigate this possibility during Buyer’s inspection contingency period. Brokers do not have expertise in this area.

Realty truly is funnier than fiction sometimes. The fatal flaw in all our exacting efforts to disclose and encourage due diligence and real active investigation? Human nature. The more paper that people are presented with, the less they read. The quicker they fall asleep. Thus we keep shooting ourselves in the foot and the number of lawsuits in real estate keeps increasing in direct proportion to the stumbling attempts we make to jam consumer protection down everyone’s throat in lieu of common sense.

There, I’ve finished my written Agent Disclosure for this Saturday. I’ve done my small part to save ourselves from ourselves. Sign Here and Press Hard to acknowledge your receipt.

Meanwhile, I’m off to my appointed round – a 12:30 tee time – while you move forward, forewarned and forearmed, in the purchase of your new home. If it happens to be on a golf course, I promise to yell fore before my next huge slice flies off the fairway and lands in the middle of the guacamole dip resting on your future back patio. Today’s golf game is certainly going to prove once and for all that “brokers do not have expertise in this area.”

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